The Tartan Interview, September 16, 2002 (Unedited Transcript)

Below is the full transcript (well, not really full, it leaves out about a half hour of Ram & Aaron going on about the Beatles, the Pixies, and Weezer) of an interview of The Girls that was conducted by The Tartan (CMU's student newspaper) Junior Staffwriter Megan Robinson. The Article as printed can be found here. Enjoy!. NOTE: This is really unedited. That goes for the spelling mistakes, too.

The Girls

They'll Make You Cookies

MR Alright, so what are your names and which instruments do you play?

Ben Ben Hollis. Bass.

Greg Greg Gillotti. Gee-tar.

Aaron I'm Aaron Tarnow. I play the sax.

Greg You play the drums.

Ram My name's Ram Subramanian. I too play the guitar. Sometimes I play the fool. That's a Beetles song!

Aaron They think I play the drums.

Greg He plays the drums.

Aaron I play the sax.

MR I hear there's an interesting story about how you got started playing the drums.

Aaron Here's the interesting story'

Ram Wait, no, you're not allowed to talk. You're going to f*ck it up.

Aaron It's my story! It's all about me!

Ram You're going to f*ck it up!

Aaron So these guys: Greg, Ben, and Ram, and the late Billy Bernstein who'

Ram Billy who'yeah, Billy isn't in the band anymore.

Greg You shouldn't call him late.

Ram Yeah. The of late. The tardy.

Greg I love how you tell people that and he was early to everything.

Aaron So they were in this band, right? And I was friend's with them.

Ben It was earlier than that. We weren't in a band yet.

Ram Yeah we were.

Ben We had just a week before the show.

Ram Yeah we had the show though. In a week.

Aaron The four of them were in this band, and Billy played the keyboards, and Ram and Greg played the guitar, and Ben played the bass, and they were like, 'We're in a band, and we're called the Girls,' and I was like, 'You guys you guys are cool.' My whole high school life was spent being fans of bands, so I was like, 'I'm going to be your number one fan. Awesome.'

Ram Well, he didn't just say, 'fans' he said, 'fan.' Singular.

Aaron No, I was multiple fans.

Ram Good.

Aaron So I was in this crazy bastard's ' and here my right hand goes on Ram's left shoulder ' room'

Ram Right hand, left shoulder. Get it wrong and I'll'

Ben Tearing in like some sort of demented little cockatoo like, 'You need a drummer [parrot noises]! You need a drummer [more parrot noises]!'

Ram This was also the origin of his nickname 'Mom,' which we call him to this day.

Aaron Was that the origin?

Ram You were standing outside the room and you said something like, 'Uh, don't hurt yourself Ram,' cause I was plugging things in, and I was like, 'Thanks a lot mom,' and we've been calling you that ever since.

Aaron This interview has been educational for me.

Ram You're the only one.

Aaron So I was in the room and it was Monday night, and they had scheduled this gig with Amnesty International at this coffeehouse that was going on that Friday night.

Greg Scheduled, then form the band. In that order.

Aaron And they didn't have a drummer, and they were going, 'F*ck, we don't have a drummer,' right? And so I was like, 'Guys, this is bad news. You've got a gig in four days. Get a f*cking drummer!'

Ben [makes more parrot noises]

Aaron So I go to their practice, which is in [Ram]'s room'

Ram Yeah, we're pissing off everyone in the hall, but we baked them cookies afterwards. Everyone on Donner.

Aaron 'And they're like, 'Ooo, let's play 'Pray for the Girls'', which is a Frank Black song. Frank Black of the Pixies. Rock. And I'm like, 'Guys, you can't pick songs. You don't have a drummer. You need a drummer in your band.' And they were like, 'Eh, shut up. We don't even have a drum kit.'

Ram Here's what happened: Greg said'

Aaron ''Why doesn't Ram teach you to play the drums? There's no one I'd rather have in the band then you.' And I said, 'I have no sense of rhythm.' This has not changed. And I said, 'I don't know how to play the drums.' This too has not changed. And so Ram says, 'Clap along to this song with us.' So I clapped. Do you know what clapping consists of? It consists of clapping.

Ben We had a bucket too.

Ram We had a bucket. A bucket of laundry detergent that his dad labeled 'Not Cocaine' to make sure this f*cker didn't get in trouble [everyone laughs]. It's true.

Aaron Wednesday'this crazy f*ck ' and here both of my pointer fingers point at Benjamin

Ram Mine too, mine too, mine too!

Aaron Buys a drum kit.

Greg I would like you three for a minute'Ram's roommate, in Donner, in a room about yay big [uses hands to denote a small space].

Ram I am holding my hands out.

Greg One day you have a normal, slightly quirky, little French horn player. The next day you open the door and three guys you don't know are assembling a drum set'

Aaron 'that you knew nothing about, maybe, eighteen hours earlier.

Ram Since that day he's been threatening to build a pipe organ in my room [laughter]. So then he played it and he was really good. And he's such a good harmony vocals singer.

Aaron And if anyone's looking for a sax player, cause this bastard doesn't let me play sax anymore, cause he keeps me on the drum set.

Greg Chained. We have to chain him down.

Ben [Starts making noises]

Ram If you want you can translate that as, in brackets, 'noises of indignation.' If you want.

Aaron So if anyone's looking for a good tenor sax player'if you're looking for a really good tenor sax player just go to Dave Pella's jazz ensemble, but if you're looking for a mediocre to decent tenor sax player I'm your man.

Ben So, was that a question? Because I don't remember how we got on that subject.

Ram It started out that we told the story. So, we told the story.

Greg There were five people in the band.

Ram Until recently.

MR Yeah, so what happened to number five?

Ram He left.

Aaron Yeah.

Ben He left.

Greg He exploded.

Aaron Artistic differences.

Greg [Stands] He is dead to us!

Ram No not really.

Aaron Okay, I want to go on record, and we can actually go on'I use the phrase 'I want to go on record' all the time, but we're actually going on record now. I want to go on record saying that I love Billy Bernstein.

Ram Yeah, we all love Bill. He was our keyboard player. He was actually a piano player.

Aaron The difference is that I'm a sax player on the drums. He's a French horn player on the guitar.

Ram I'm not actually a French horn player. I'm a guitar player now.

Aaron Are you?

Ram If anything I'm a singer.

Aaron Oh sh*t! Congradulations! This f*cker plays, like, the euphonium or some sh*t [gestures to Ben]. Billy was actually a piano player on the keyboard. Like, a classically trained'

Ram Jazz trained piano player.

Aaron The way my nickname was, 'Mom,' or, 'Shut Up Aaron', Billy's nickname was:

Ram and Aaron The Talent.

Aaron And that was totally appropriate. But then we thought'

Ram Because socially he was never with us in that he had a life.

Aaron He was not ridiculous. He was a normal person.

Greg He would never dress up as Zelda, play until two in the morning, and pass out in the hall!

Aaron I dressed up at Link. Zelda is the princess. For Halloween last year. Here's what I knew: that I was dressing up as Link for Halloween. Here's what I didn't know: that I was passed out in my hallway in white tights at two in the morning.

MR Were you drunk?

Aaron I'd like to think so.

Ram No! We never are!

Greg That's the best part.

Aaron I'm pretty strait edge.

Ram We're all pretty strait edge.

Greg But not the 1991, super punk strait edge.

Ram I'm pretty strait edge in the 1991 super punk strait edge.

Aaron Ram, you're as punk as, like, your f*cking girlfriend, alright?

Ram She's not a punk.

Aaron Exactly. You followed that logic perfectly.

Ben If anything you're almost mod-ish.

Ram I'm not mod-ish!

Ben Look at your hair. Look what you're trying to do with your hair.

Ram I'm Indian!

Aaron You're punk the way Spin Magazine says Weezer is punk.

Ram That's true.

Aaron Which is not in the least.

Ram Also true.

Greg [Quickly] If anything you're emo [hides].

Ben Shit. At this point Greg Gillotti ducks under the table, not to re-emerge.

Ram That's okay. I'll wait until he comes back up.

MR Wait, so speaking of music, what would you say are your biggest influences?

Aaron We've got Woodie Guthrie, the go-go's, f*ckin' Shanaya Twain, Banorama definitely.

Ram Apex Twin [throws a bottle opener at Greg].

Greg Massive headwounds.

Aaron INXS

Ram I'm sorry Greg. Okay, here's who our actual influences are in order: the Beetles [goes into depth.]. Probably my second favorite band is the Pixies [goes into depth]. I guess Radiohead is next.

Aaron If you're printing this in a Carnegie Mellon newspaper no explanation is necessary.

Ram The Smashing Pumpkins, for me. What's great about the Smashing Pumpkins is that they take these great songs and just put shit on it. Uh'They Might Be Giants.

Greg [Goes into incredible depth].

Ram We haven't even gotten to Weezer yet.

Ram If you do not own Pinkerton go buy it right now. While you're reading this interview. Do it. Do it now!

Aaron Pinkerton, similar to Miss Saigon, is based on the Japanese opera Madame Butterfly.

Ram Madame Butterfly's by Puccini. It's not Japanese so much as Italian.

Aaron The opera's set in Japan!

Ram See, Puccini is his name. Jacomo Puccini. I know there are a lot of Japanese people named Jacomo Puccini, but this isn't one of them.

Aaron I'm going to stab you.

Ram Yeah, you're going to anyway.

Aaron You're the worst roommate ever. You had better have an antidote for face stabbings, cause when we get back home your face is so stabbed.

Ram Listen Boy Wonder!

Aaron Keep it down trusty side kick!

Ram So Pinkerton'

MR So why are you called the Girls?

Ben We were brainstorming ideas.

Aaron Ram's always wanted to be in a band called the Girls.

Ram I thought the Girls was a really good name for a band composed entirely of guys. We're all guys'

Aaron None of us are gay.

Greg We're not a punk band.

Aaron But we are all tools and we do genuinely bake our audiences cookies.

Ram Every time. You will never come to a Girls show and not get candy.

Aaron You'll always either get cookies or candy.

Ben We just bake cookies because we want people to be happy. That's the idea of the band.

Aaron We just carried it over from apologizing to everyone in Ram's room.

[At this point both Megan and the band start talking about doughnuts and bagels, and then decide to move back to Megan's list of questions]

MR So, who/what is Mortimer?

[Megan gets a group hug for asking the question]

Aaron So Mortimer's this xylophone, right?

Ben It's a glockenspiel actually.

Aaron It's a glockenspiel. It's a little Fisher Price glockenspiel.

Ram I've used it on a song once. We've got to record it more.

Greg We have tons of baby toys. It's a crucial part of our sound. I mean I have tons of baby toys. It's a crucial part of my sound.

Ram Greg plays his guitar with the baby toys. That's how it works.

MR Tell me about your new album. Is this your first album?

Greg It's our first ep. It's the old Girls sound, which all the hipsters like better than the new Girls sound. We were better when we were old.

MR How long have you been together?

Greg It will be a year in November - in actual practice time, maybe, five months.

MR Where can I get the album?

Ben If you go to our website you can order them on line ($7.00). They will be shipped to you.

Ram Our website is:

Aaron, Ben, Ram, and Greg www.numbera.com/thegirls

Ram If you go there you can see a link to mp3.com, which is where you can get the cd. Ben designed the web page.

Aaron We've got boat-loads of plans.

Ram I write about twelve songs a week, and of the twenty-four, sh*t, forty-eight songs a month that I end up with about two or three are usually okay.

Greg [Removes his pants and sits back in chair in only his boxers] I feel like a news caster.

MR What's the first album that you bought yourselves?

Greg REM 'Out of Time,' but the first album that was ever bought for me was 'Flood' by They Might Be Giants.

Ben 'Out of Time' was the same for me.

Aaron I want to ignore my first two, because'

MR No, you have to tell. That's the point.

Aaron MC Hammer. The second was by Arrested Development, but my third was the Blue album

Greg And then everything went up.

Ram The first album I ever bought for myself was 'Bad' by Michael Jackson.

Greg Really, really quickly influences: I need to say there's a local band called Miroslav.

Aaron Oh yeah. In fact don't buy our cd, but theirs as soon as they finish making it.

Greg I never knew a local band could sound that good.

Aaron When given the choice between going to a Girls show and going to a Miroslav show that are on the same night, which will never happen, because if there is ever a Miroslav show we will cancel our gig'

Ram We're missing a Miroslav show on the twentieth. Battle of the bands.

Greg No we ain't.

Aaron I'm not showing up. Are we in the battle of the bands? Tell me these things.

Ram I signed up.

Aaron So, we're in a battle of the bands on the twentieth. This is news to you as much as it is to me. Breaking news. You heard it here first.

Ben We heard it here first.

MR Do you have any plans for the future?

Aaron The band declines to answer.

Ram Here's the actual answer.

Aaron Let me have my moment!

Ben You had your f*cking moment.

Greg STOP LIVING IN THE PAST!

Aaron YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!

Ram Here's what's going to happen after college ends: Ben's going to go off and become some genius, like, robot guy, and build robots. Greg, he's going to go become a business man or something, cause he's a business major.

Greg Yeah right. I'm changing majors to computational dance. And I'm hereby retiring that joke.

Ram I'm going to be a rock star.

Aaron Nice pants Greg.

Ram What the f*ck is wrong with you? Put on some pants. Okay, anyone reading this article, Greg is actually not wearing pants.

Aaron Way to wear pants No Pants.

MR Any last words?

Aaron Oh, never say that.

Greg REPENT!

Aaron Oscar Wilde, 'Either the wallpaper goes or I do.' Your turn.

Ram Here are our actual last words, which I feel that I am privileged to give. We love you terribly, desperately, like nothing else in the world. We want to give you candy. We want you to come to our shows, and we want you to love all your fellow human beings forever and ever. Let's turn off the tape recorder.

Aaron I'm ruining this moment!